This free template is to help you politely but clearly decline an offer from a guest of something that you and your partner don’t want — including money for the wedding.
Want to download this for free? Here’s the Google Doc. You might also get value from my book.
Subject line: an update on our wedding
Dear [INSERT THE FIRST NAME(S) OF THE PERSON OR PEOPLE YOU’RE WRITING]:
Thank you so much for your patience on [INSERT THE FIRST NAME OF THE PERSON YOU ARE MARRYING, referred to from here on out as YOUR PARTNER] and I’s response to your kind offer to help with our wedding. We have decided to decline the offer. You matter to us so we’d like to explain why we’re making this choice.
Our goal of our wedding is to [INSERT THE ONE-SENTENCE MISSION STATEMENT OF YOUR WEDDING — don’t know what that is? Use this]. To accept the offer would move us away from this goal. [Is there another way this person or people could contribute to your wedding that would be actually helpful for that goal? Share that here in one or two sentences. You can also keep this in reserve for future conversations.]
We are not upset or offended by the offer. Far from it! Your support of our relationship means the world to us and we are greatly looking forward to celebrating together. [Cut this paragraph if you are, in fact, upset or offended.]
Thank you again for your generosity and for your kindness as we make this decision.
Love [or the sign-off of your choice],
[INSERT YOU + YOUR PARTNER’S FIRST NAMES]
How do we send this?
Keep it simple. Probably do this via email though, if the conversation gets heated and/or personal, I highly recommend a phone call. It’s much easier to have human conversations when you can hear the other person’s tone of voice, don’t you think?
Is the offer money?
This one can be particularly delicate because often, people offer money because 1) it’s a direct way to show love and support and 2) they feel a (understandable) social expectation or responsibility to do so.
To complicate matters further, perhaps you and your partner really need the money for the wedding (I know my husband and I did!). As such, before you decline completely, consider offering specific ways people can contribute money to the wedding. For example:
“Thank you so much for offering to financially contribute to the wedding. This will help us so much and we really appreciate your generosity. It would be most helpful to us if you bought [INSERT THE SPECIFIC THING THAT YOU WANT THIS PERSON OR PEOPLE TO BUY YOU].”
Need examples? Pick a vendor (i.e. “...if you bought the florist” or “...if you bought the wedding attire”). Ideally, you’ll give the person or people you’re writing a ballpark on what these things cost based on your own research.
Once they’ve accepted this request, I recommend sharing clear next steps. For example: “Thank you! We will now do research on which vendor we’d like to move forward with, keeping the proposed budget in mind. Once we’ve found a good fit, we will let you know so we can figure out payment.”
Note to reader: Did you notice how much I use “our” and “we” in the above? That’s because it’s important to approach any decision about your wedding as a unit. The wedding industry, let alone other people, will try and isolate you but this wedding is a joint project. Treat it as such.