A few weeks ago, I opened my inbox to two emails.
The first email was from a reporter at MIT Technology Review who had recently interviewed me for this story: “You don’t get an invite to these weddings unless you’re vaccinated or have a negative covid test.”
The second email was from a person planning a September 2021 wedding. This person and their partner are setting what I’ve started calling a “vaccine boundary,” i.e. everyone who attends the wedding in-person — guest or vendor — needs to be fully vaccinated to attend.
I posted about the above emails on my Instagram and took that opportunity to share something that I increasingly feel to be true: It is OK to talk about vaccination. It is particularly OK to talk about vaccination when we are planning or working an event that includes behavior that has been scientifically proven to endanger people’s lives.
“You’re kidding me. A vaccine boundary?!”
Yes, a vaccine boundary. I put this in such stark terms because “Is it OK if...” is the most common way people start their wedding planning questions.
Before the pandemic, those questions usually ended in something like “Is it OK if... I don’t host a full bar? if I don’t wear white? if I don’t pay for [insert thing you don’t actually want but that you feel pressured to buy]?”
These days, those same questions have morphed into “Is it OK if... I ask all of my guests to get tested? if I talk to my vendors about safety? if I set a vaccine boundary?”
Want a specific example? Earlier this month, a bride emailed me. She wanted to know if it “would be too much to ask” if everyone at her and her partner’s fall 2021 wedding was either fully vaccinated or, if not, had a negative COVID test before attending the wedding in-person.
Why was she asking this? For all the reasons anybody is asking about testing and vaccination: She has a lot of loved ones at her wedding whose lives will be at risk if they get sick with COVID. Also, she and her partner don’t want to host a party that infects people with a deadly disease. Go figure!
We know this rationally and still, we worry that it would be “too much to ask.” That’s not our fault. It’s the fault of systems much bigger than any of us but that doesn’t mean you and your partner have to suffer because vaccination has become a volatile conversation in our country. It is OK to talk about this as long as we have conversations that center empathy and honesty.
“How do I talk about vaccines and my wedding?”
I’ve got free resources to help. On that list you’re going to see templates for how to talk to guests, how to talk to vendors, and why this is all worth the hassle. You are also going to hear first-hand from people who professionally work weddings on what you can expect if you don’t have these conversations.
That list aside, the point of this particular article is just to say: Yes, it is OK if you and your partner want to set a vaccine boundary for your wedding.
Of course, OK doesn’t mean easy. OK doesn’t mean perfect. OK doesn’t mean you can’t blow by the rules that may be in place for your state or your country. OK means OK and if you want to talk about ways to navigate this, go here or to any of those links I previously mentioned.
As you’ll read at that links, these conversations are always challenging and particularly challenging when we are talking about people you have hired to work at your wedding (i.e. your wedding vendors).
There’s also a chance that you set this boundary and find out that someone you love or have hired can’t — not won’t, but can’t — abide by it. There are reasons why this is including systemic racism so do not take “can’t” lightly.
What do you do in that situation? I don’t know because none of us have done this before but if I was in your shoes, I’d lead with empathy. I’d focus on the context of this choice and I would respect what someone told me even if what they told me was something I didn’t want to hear.
This is not perfect advice — honestly, I think it’s quite unsatisfactory advice and I’m the one giving it — but I share it because what’s the alternative? We don’t talk about this stuff at all? We just make assumptions? From what I can tell, assumptions are why we’re still in this mess at all.