If you are planning a wedding in 2021, you have probably asked yourself, “What do we do about COVID vaccinations at our wedding?”

If you haven’t asked yourself this question because it legitimately hasn’t come to mind, I recommend you save this article for later and instead work with your partner to develop a COVID safety policy for your wedding.

If you haven’t asked yourself this question because you don’t believe in the efficacy of vaccines, skip my site entirely. You’re not going to like what I write.

If neither of the above situations apply to you and really, you just want to know what to say to that beloved wedding guest who won’t get a COVID vaccine, keep reading.

First, what’s the specific situation?

The advice I’m going to give in this article is based on the following premise: You and your partner are getting married in 2021. For your wedding, you two have established what I call a “vaccine boundary,” i.e. everyone who attends the wedding in-person — guest or vendor — needs to be fully vaccinated to attend.

You have established this boundary for any number of reasons including, but not limited to:

A vaccine boundary is the only legal way you two can engage in 2019-style behavior per health and safety regulations required by your venue(s) and/or by the state or country where you are hosting your wedding.
A vaccine boundary is the only safe way you two can see yourselves hosting an event that asks multiple households to gather together in the same place and, likely, engaging in behavior that spreads a deadly disease.
Both of the points above and also other reasons like, “I haven’t hung out with anyone in more than a year and now I’m going to be in a room with more people than I’ve seen in what feels like forever??? Yeah, I want to be vaccinated for that.”

Second, is this a “can’t” or a “won’t” situation?

Anytime I talk about vaccines, I clarify if this is a “I can’t get a vaccine” or a “I won’t get a vaccine” situation.

This is an important question because, as we all know, the world is an inequitable and unjust place, which means that there are people out there who would very much like to get a COVID vaccine but cannot access a vaccine for any number of very problematic, often systemic issues.

It’s because of those folks that I encourage you and your partner to lead with empathy. Don’t assume that when someone tells you “No, I’m not fully vaccinated ” that it’s because they’re [insert whatever you were thinking]. There might be important context.

There also might not be, and it’s those “I won’t” folks that I’m getting the most emails about.

Yep, that’s my situation. I have someone who won’t get vaccinated.

If this is a vendor, I’m surprised. I imagine this is happening but by and large, the vendors I’m talking to around the world aren’t straight up telling clients, “Sorry, bud. I won’t get vaccinated no matter what.” Why? Many reasons including that stance isn’t exactly good for business if your business is working live events.

I’m limited by my lived experience so, of course, if this is a vendor we’re talking about, I stand corrected. My advice would be to do with them what I’m about to recommend you do with guests but with the added context that you have likely exchanged money and/or signed a legal contract with a vendor and you will need to abide by that unless you want to seek legal counsel (and you may very well want to; I’m just not a lawyer). If you don’t know how to start this conversation with vendors, these templates may help.

So now, finally, after all that gosh-darn COVID context, we get to your actual question: I have someone — likely a wedding guest — who won't get vaccinated. What do I do?

You and your partner ask yourselves the following questions.

Question #1: If this unvaccinated person attends our wedding in-person, does it change the legally available options for that person or, potentially, everyone at our wedding including fully vaccinated people?

There’s a good chance the answer here is “yes” in some capacity and depending on your location. If you’re in Oregon, here’s the situation. If you’re not in Oregon, read this.

What you’re trying to suss out with this question is if the attendance of that unvaccinated person means everyone now has to wear masks, social distance, and/or take tests. Do they have to do this because it’s legally required, because your venue(s) require those measures even if the local government does not, or because — and this is a very good reason — you two don’t feel safe hosting a wedding otherwise?

That last situation — we’re doing it because we want to do it and not just because the law says we have to — comes up most frequently if there are kids at the wedding. As we all know, if they’re under 12, those kids aren’t able to get vaccinated yet.

Are they as at risk of catching and/or dying from COVID as adults are? I’ll let you make your own call there as I’m not a parent or guardian and from what I can tell, parents and guardians have very well-developed opinions on this matter because they’ve had to already go through those mental gymnastics when deciding what the hell to do about schooling.

For our purposes, however, if there are kids at the wedding the question now becomes: Is it more important to us — the couple hosting the wedding — to have those kids in-person at our wedding or to have the unvaccinated adult(s) at our wedding?

The answer here might be very clear. Yep, it’s the kids! Sorry, unvaccinated adults, we’re politely uninviting you. Or maybe it’s: We’re going with the unvaccinated adults so sorry, kids, you’re going to have to stay at home and we recognize that might mean your parents/guardians opt to stay at home too because they’re afraid of infecting their children.

This choice might also be extremely murky: The kids we’re talking about are literally my own children and the unvaccinated adults we are talking about are literally my own parents. How do I possibly choose?

If I was in your shoes, here’s what I would ask myself and my partner:

If we want both groups to be in-person at our wedding, which additional safety measures will we put in place as a result to keep both groups safe? This means considering every aspect of the full kit-and-caboodle: masks, social distancing, testing, and quarantining.

It also means acknowledging that such precautions often disappear over the course of a wedding, particularly if alcohol is involved. Again, this is based on my experience and the experiences of other vendors I’ve spoken with and thus is not universal but I would be remiss if I didn’t remind you that drunk people often forget to wear masks.

Even if we do all of those things, will the people involved still come? They may not, which is why I recommend you ask yourself and your partner the next question.

Question #2: Who must be at our wedding in-person for it to feel like our wedding?

I recommended this question long before COVID because the average cost of catering in the U.S. is $70 per person and that’s before alcohol. This means that unless you’re cool with spending $30K on a wedding, you and your partner need to get real about who’s invited.

I’ve asked this question for a long time but during COVID it’s taken on a whole new dimension because the stakes are literally life or death. I’m sorry about this. I hate COVID, too.

As you read this section and consider the question in big font above, you might also be wondering the following:

Do I need to ask myself this very important question if I’m getting married in fall or winter 2021? I would argue yes but sure, if you want to wait and see, set yourself a final decision deadline of 60 days. Here’s why I suggest 60 days.
What do I do once I have answered the question “Who must be at our wedding in-person for it to feel like our wedding”? You own it. You remember that you’re making this choice not as a “selfish” individual but as an adult and perhaps already legally married couple. You remember that you are making this choice from a place of what is legal as well as what is safe. You are honest with each other about what you two need to feel joy on your wedding day. You recognize that what you two decide may mean that people you love very, very much will not be allowed to attend your wedding in-person. You hold space for this reality. You honor it. Then you move on.
What do I say to the politely uninvited people? I have some ideas here but long story short, you ground what you say to them in honesty, respect, and empathy. You and your partner are making this choice because you are the hosts of an event and you two have identified that it is a value to you as said hosts that this event honors certain boundaries.
Do I make other arrangements with the politely uninvited people? Sure! Figure out another way that you can celebrate the start of your marriage with them. I’ve heard of couples planning “mini-receptions” in various cities (to be fair, this happened before COVID, too, but it’s kind of Having a Moment right now). If that's not an option, carve out specific time before, during, or after the wedding to celebrate together. I know, I know, it’s not the same but it’s a way to include them while minimizing risk, to them and, potentially, to other people.

Is this really, really, really not possible and all the people need to be at all the things?

Two ideas:

Move to 2022. Seriously. Be respectful of your vendors and recognize that you will likely owe them money for buying another day in their inventory, but if you seriously cannot pick between people, move the wedding. You can still get legally married this year — and you may have very good reasons why you need to do this like insurance, immigration, and/or kids — but the many mixed households party bit can come later.

Of course, moving to next year is no guarantee that we’re back in a place like we were in 2019 where nobody really cared about anybody else’s vaccination status but next year will buy you time to see how everything shakes out.
Consider who’s at risk. If it’s legal to have unvaccinated people at your event without changing the regulations for fully vaccinated people and those unvaccinated people are cool to wear a mask and/or social distance even though they’ll be surrounded by fully vaccinated people who don’t have to wear masks and/or social distance, the unvaccinated people could still come to your wedding because, in this situation, there’s nothing legally stopping you from inviting them. Rather, you’re probably stopping yourself but you don’t want them to get sick and die from COVID.

This is a very fair concern — hence the popularity of vaccines that make it so we don’t get sick and die from COVID. However, I am assuming these unvaccinated people are of sound mind and thus know the risk they are assuming by willingly declining a vaccine that would keep them from getting sick and dying. If this is the case, then I ask you: Is it your job to tell them not to come if they know what they’re getting into?

Some people will say “yes, it is my job because that is my mom you are talking about and she might not believe in science but I do and I don’t want her to die because she went to my wedding.”

Other people will say “you know what, you’re right. They’re adults and if they want to be in a room with a bunch of unmasked, non-distanced people without the protection of a vaccine AND it’s legally allowed for them to be in said room, then so be it.”

I can’t tell you and your partner how you feel about this particular incarnation of this particularly challenging question because only you two know what boundaries you want to set for your wedding because it’s not my wedding, it’s your wedding.

In some ways, that makes this conversation very similar to conversations I have had for years about wedding planning: The couple sets the tone.

That wasn’t fun before a global pandemic. It sure as hell isn’t fun during a global pandemic. I’ve done my best to help by creating this gallery of free pandemic wedding planning resources. You are also welcome to contact me via email (free) or hire me to consult on your situation (not free).

Wherever you’re at, thank you for prioritizing health, safety, and joy as you plan your wedding. Not easy. (Still) very important.