As a wedding coordinator and consultant, I answer a lot of wedding planning questions. One of the most popular: “How do I recognize the people I love without having a wedding party?”

Good news: There are so many options! Here are actually effective ways to not have a wedding party, as based on my real life experience working weddings.

First, should you have a wedding party?

About half of the weddings I do don’t have a wedding party. This means neither partner has a designated group of people who are participating in the ceremony on their behalf. The gendered terms we may use for these folks are “bridesmaids” and “groomsmen.” I prefer the term “wedding VIP.”

Should you have a wedding party? That’s a choice only you and the person you’re marrying can make. Much of it comes down to the community of people you want to be with you on your wedding day. Who must be in-person at your wedding for it to feel like your wedding? When you imagine that day, do you imagine these people being physically next to you during the ceremony? Proceeding down the aisle? Giving a toast?

Many of those functions are functions that, in Western culture, a wedding party fulfills. This doesn’t mean you have to have a wedding party. It means that if you imagine certain people doing those things, a wedding party might be a good fit.

Remember: “a wedding party” doesn’t automatically mean five people on one side, five people on the other. It’s OK to have different numbers of people, people whose gender identity isn’t the same as yours, and/or people who aren’t biologically related to you. The point is to consider who you want on the front lines of support as you acknowledge the transition that is a wedding.

What’s the biggest downside to not having a wedding party?

People often talk about the upsides of not having a wedding party — namely, less financial burden on the people getting married and their VIPs and, theoretically, less work for the VIPs. That said, in seven years as a professional wedding planner, I’ve noticed a few downsides.

First, when there’s no wedding party, people don’t always know who’s doing what. While this speaks more to our preconceived notions of what a maid of honor and a best man does, it’s still true. When you don’t have a wedding party, you’re likely going to get more, “But who’s hosting the [insert wedding function]?”

There’s an easy way to address this: Consider what, if any, wedding functions you want and then ask people if they’re available to host them. Examples (many of which are, regrettably, gendered) include an engagement party, a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, a bachelor party, and/or a rehearsal dinner.

If you don’t want a certain function, I recommend you tell people as much — or at least the one or two loved ones in your life who are dying to know if you’re doing all of the things.

Another downside to not having a wedding party is that there are always a few small things that happen on a wedding day that would typically default to a wedding party member. When that person or people don’t exist, it can be unclear who’s doing what.

What are the tasks wedding party members often do on a wedding day? Examples:

Setting up decor and/or flowers
Making sure you have food and/or beverages as you get ready and throughout the day
Hanging out with you ahead of the ceremony so you’re not 100 percent alone with your thoughts
Driving you to and from various locations
Holding, smoothing, and/or fluffing any train on a wedding dress
Holding any flowers during the ceremony so you and/or the person you’re marrying doesn’t have to hold them
Presenting any rings
Checking in with you to see if you need anything
Helping clean up
Taking items such as decor, gifts, and/or leftovers at the end of the wedding

Again, you don’t have to have a “traditional” wedding party to get the above tasks done — and even if you do have a wedding party, never assume anyone is available to do any or all of the above without asking them first. Just keep these tasks in mind as you consider who you want to invite in as a VIP.

Last but not least: Wedding party territory is territory where it’s very easy to (accidentally) hurt people’s feelings. That’s because many of us carry around a wedding in our head. It’s often a conglomeration of weddings we’ve attended, seen on TV or in movies, read about, and/or witnessed via social media.

In many scenarios, that wedding in our head has certain people doing certain things. For example, a bride’s sister always being the maid or matron of honor, or a person’s sibling(s) always being included in the wedding party.

I’m here to tell you that many people do not follow those conventions and guess what? Everybody is OK! How did they pull this off? My hunch: They either told people ahead of time and/or they made people feel special in other ways.

I share effective ways to do the latter below. For the former — telling people ahead of time — this will vary based on your relationship with the person in question. Is this someone you regularly interact with? Do you think they might anticipate filling a certain role at your wedding?

I encourage you to tell them what would serve you and the person you’re marrying best. Nearly always, the person in question is 100 percent down for whatever that role would be because they don’t actually care about the title. They care about you! What they’re looking for is a way to show up for you on your wedding day.

OK, finally: Effective ways to include people without having a wedding party

To best understand these suggestions, remember why we have wedding parties at all. Typically, it’s a combination of:

we need volunteers to do certain things and,
we want to recognize certain people in our life during an important and emotional occasion

The first goal can be accomplished by identifying what things you need done and then recruiting people in your community to do those things. The second can be accomplished by considering what has value to you, the person you’re marrying, and the person or people you want to recognize.

For example, if you don’t want to have a wedding party but do want your guests to know “hey, so-and-so means a lot to us and helped us get to this day” consider:

Buying that person flowers. Flowers that we wear or carry such as corsages, boutonnières, and/or bouquets are one way to designate someone a “wedding VIP.” As with asking someone to publicly speak and/or proceed down the aisle, be mindful of this person’s preferred way to interact in the world. Could this be overstimulating?
Ask them to proceed down the aisle. If you’re getting married outside of a religious institution (and even if you are), there’s typically no requirement to have certain people proceed down the aisle. This means that you can invite any VIP you want to be part of the processional. This ceremony script template may help as you decide your preocessional.

These folks don’t have to then stick with you at the front; simply save them a seat or a spot (when the ceremony has chairs, I use a piece of printer paper that says “Reserved” and I write the name of the VIP on that sign before taping it to their chair).
Include them in the ceremony. Some of the loveliest ceremonies I’ve seen have included VIPs in perhaps unexpected ways. For example, invite a select number of VIPs (often two to five) to give a short, one- to two-minute speech during the ceremony about your relationship and/or wishes for your marriage.

Alternatively, consider asking a VIP to give a reading, perform a song, or offer another talent to recognize the start of the marriage. This gives them a moment in the sun and also tells the other guests, “this person? Yeah, they’re really important to us.” Use this ceremony script template to help decide the flow of the ceremony.
Ask them to give a toast. Not everyone likes public speaking so they may say “no” but often, simply inviting them means a lot. If they’d feel more comfortable talking to a smaller crowd, consider having this toast during a smaller pre- or post-wedding function like a rehearsal-related meal or day-after gathering.
Give a toast yourself and thank people. Only about a quarter of the weddings I do include the client giving a toast. That’s understandable. Weddings are overwhelming! I’ve also found this to be a great opportunity for the people getting married to acknowledge the VIPs who got them to this point.

At my own wedding, my husband and I gave a toast where we acknowledged each of the married couples in our immediate families. We shared one lesson that we’d learned from each couple that we hoped to bring into our own marriage. We paired that speech with photos of each couple on their wedding day — also a cheap, meaningful decor option!
Write a thank-you note. You can give this to the person on or after the wedding. Not sure what to say? Share one way this person continues to show up positively in your life and why you’re grateful for that.
Tell them you care. This one sounds hard but really, don’t overthink it. If there’s someone you really want to recognize but didn’t get a chance to in any of the ways listed above, find a moment during the wedding to tell them thank you in-person (tip: this works wonders with your vendor team, too). Bonus points if you see if the person wants to get a photo with you; wedding photos make great gifts!

If you’re worried you’ll forget to do this during the hustle and bustle of a wedding day, ask someone to remind you. Good candidates: a fellow VIP and/or a wedding coordinator or planner.

When in doubt, go back to basics. How do you and this VIP interact? Is there certain music you both love? A TV show you bonded over? A trip you took together? Whatever the answer, consider how those elements could be incorporated into your wedding. The sky’s the limit on making people feel good on your wedding day.

Got more questions? I rent my Virgo wedding planner brain by the hour. If you like what I wrote, an easy way to show me is to subscribe to my newsletter. Thanks for reading.

Photo: Briana Morrison Photography. Shared with consent per my code of conduct.