Last month, I did seven consulting calls with couples planning weddings in 2022.

I’m going to tell you about them because I think they’re indicative of where we’re at right now when it comes to planning weddings and because they might give you some guidance as we navigate whatever this month will bring.

“Frantic googling in 2020”

My first consulting call in February 2022 was with a couple getting married in Utah in June. One of the partners, who uses they/them pronouns, said they found me from “frantic googling in 2020.” This is not the first time someone has told me this and makes my heart grow every time I hear it.

Multiple times during our 1-hour phone call, I found myself wishing I could reach through the phone and hug (with consent) the two people on the other end. So much of what they were saying are the same things that regularly run through my mind in 2022:

“Am I a weirdo for (still) talking about COVID?”
“Am I totally killing the mood when I do?”
“All the other wedding people I know are talking about fun stuff like tablescapes and fairy lights so what’s my problem, over here talking about death and disease?”

I wanted to hug this couple so badly because they had one of the most thorough COVID safety policies I’ve ever seen and that’s saying a lot because I make COVID safety policies for a living and also, I might have invented them?

It would be easy to look at that policy and think “overreacting” or “too much” or “extra” but what I saw when I looked at that policy was a Google Doc full of love.

I saw that same outpouring of love again a week later when I consulted a pair of 71-year-old reunited high school sweethearts on their April 2022 wedding in New Mexico and again when I spoke to two 60-somethings getting married in Washington in August.

Love was there, too, when I had my fifth call with a returning client who’s planning a wedding in California for June, a couple getting married on a family farm in Washington in August, a man and a woman who are hosting their wedding ceremony in Cathedral Park in Portland over Labor Day Weekend, and a couple who don’t know when they’re getting married but know it’ll be sometime this summer.

We didn’t just talk about COVID.

In fact, in about half of these calls, our COVID conversation was what about half of my COVID conversations are these days: We’re vaccinated and boosted, we really want everyone at our wedding — guest and vendor — to be vaccinated and boosted, but we’re not asking for proof and aren’t planning on testing.

I don’t share that with you so you can decide if it’s right or wrong but to point out something that has become increasingly obvious to me in recent months: Wedding planning has ALWAYS been an exercise in boundary-setting.

COVID has brought this out in new and often terrifying ways but really, the conversations I have with my clients now aren’t all that different from the conversations I had with them before the pandemic.

The most important question in wedding planning remains the same as it’s always been: Not when or where or how much but why? Why are we having a wedding?

You’ll have seen this question infused throughout my work, from my free wedding planning resources to my free pandemic wedding planning resources to my book to my work with vendors through Altared.

It’s all there but I’m bringing it up now because I want us to hold onto that question as we move into whatever comes next: Why? Why are we having a wedding?

This question works.

I know it works because I live it every day and last week, I lived it at a wedding. It was Tuesday 2/22/22 and one of the partner’s moms had been battling cancer for eight years.

This made her particularly vulnerable to COVID even when vaccinated and boosted and so, because she was someone who the couple needed to be at the wedding for it to feel like their wedding, we prioritized her safety.

How? The couple hired a security guard to check for proof of vaccination or proof of a negative COVID test at the entrance to the wedding. It wasn’t a big deal. Everyone knew about this expectation ahead of time (thank you, COVID safety policy and thank you, interview questions that communicate boundaries).

Nobody freaked out and nobody was rude and nobody caused a scene. I was particularly grateful about this because the security guard was 75 if she was a day and hey, that’s ageist and maybe she could have thrown down.

Don’t know your why?

You don’t have to hire a security guard for your wedding but if you’re riding the wave of the latest round of CDC changes while also stressing about Russia and also also trying to plan a wedding without going into debt and also also also working a job and/or raising a kid and/or trying to get some sleep every once and awhile, I want you to remember that question.

Why are we having a wedding?

The latest comprehensive survey of my industry — which, regrettably, also comes from the biggest player in my industry, The Knot/WeddingWire — tells us that planning a wedding takes, on average, six hours a week and $34,000.

I’m a firm believer that it doesn’t have to be this way. I’m also a realist. However you're planning your wedding, it’s going to take more time and more money than you probably want and most certainly more than you like. So, what’s your why? If you don’t know, do this exercise with your partner. It’s the same exercise my husband and I did when we got engaged.

Knowing your why isn’t infallible. Life still happens. Cases still spike. Guests still prioritize their needs over your needs. But you and your partner will be much better equipped to clear those hurdles together if you know why you’re running the race in the first place.

“I feel so much better”

That person who found me by frantically googling in 2020? At the end of our call, I heard them audibly sigh with relief. “I feel so much better,” they said.

We hadn’t found an answer to COVID, we only had a mildly better solution for how to talk to the DJ who was being actively hostile about vaccination status, and we’d landed back at square one with what to do about too few bathrooms for too many people but we’d accomplished something much more important than logistics.

We’d reset this couple’s intention and so they had the energy and motivation to return to planning again. How did we do it? We reminded them why they were planning a wedding. We helped them realize that they weren’t alone.

Neither are you.

Find your why. Tell your partner what it is. Have your partner say it to you. You two can do this — together.