Last week, I was talking to a fellow wedding planner. We were having the COVID equivalent of a coffee date (i.e. Google Meet). As is the way of these things, we talked a lot about work.
This friend of mine told me about a wedding she recently did. The bride and groom required anyone who came to their wedding to both take a COVID test and then, after the test, quarantine for the two weeks before the wedding. If a person wasn’t OK to do this, that was fine. They just couldn’t come to the wedding in-person.
“And you know what happened?” my friend said. “It was the most joyful wedding I’ve been to all year.”
At first, this sounds surprising. What kind of world are we living in where we now have to require our loved ones to take a medical test before they can come to our wedding? But what my friend told me jived with what I myself had seen at the one wedding I’ve worked during COVID.
It is (currently) hard to feel safe in a crowd
That wedding I did abided by all county and state regulations. It was not an illegal event. Yes, I do have to say it this clearly because, unfortunately, many weddings are happening that are not following legal regulations around COVID and/or the legal regulations around COVID where these weddings are happening do not prioritize health and safety.
At this wedding I did, masks were required. Testing was not. And this part is crucial because you know what? As soon as those masks came off — and, of course, they did because people needed to eat and drink — the entire vibe of the wedding changed.
Maybe it was just me but things felt… tense. When was the last time any of us had been around this many people (there were 43 of us including vendors)? When was the last time we’d been around this many people unmasked? Sure, we were socially distanced and no one was hugging but still…
It’s a difficult pill to swallow that right now, it is currently hard to feel safe in a crowd in America. Unfortunately, for my line of work, crowds are kind of baked in. “We are gathered here today” has never been such a loaded statement.
Should you require people to take a COVID test before coming to your wedding?
Should you? I don’t know. Asking the question of “should” often leads me down a very dark and tangled path. As my therapist would put it, “Please don’t should all over my couch.”
Instead, I recommend that you and your partner take it back to the most important question in wedding planning: How do we want to feel on our wedding day?
In my opinion, the most sure-fired way to access that feeling of unfathomable joy that I regularly witnessed at weddings before COVID is to play by the rules: During the pandemic, make your wedding very, very small AND require COVID tests + quarantine AND limit how many people are traveling to your wedding particularly if they are traveling into your state from another state or country.
Yikes. Not the answer you wanted to hear? I feel that. I wish COVID didn’t exist either.
If you’re not sure where to even begin with this request, remember two things. First, when it comes to a wedding, the couple sets the tone. Second, by setting very clear, very firm rules that prioritize health and safety you are actually doing people a favor.
For your guests, you are removing the guesswork.
Rachel Miller at VICE wrote about this phenomenon of “how to say no to a 'socially distant' wedding or other major life ritual” way back in May and I still regularly reference that article in my work with clients because it remains highly relevant. This is a real thing that is happening right now: People get invited to weddings and they freak the fuck out because of course they do! Have you seen the New York Times COVID map? That shit is scary.
By being clear and upfront about the COVID safety policy for your wedding you are saving your loved ones the mental gymnastics of “What does a wedding right now even look like?” You’re telling them what your wedding looks like and then they get to decide if that works for them or if they would prefer to celebrate your wedding in a different capacity (online, FaceTiming, sending a card).
For your vendors, you are perhaps saving our lives.
My not going to your wedding isn’t just a matter of social etiquette. If I don’t go to your wedding, I don’t get a paycheck. I am fortunate in that I can make that choice because my husband is employed and has a salary we can live on but this is not the case for many, many, many of my wedding vendor friends. For them, if they don’t work, they don’t eat.
Do these two examples mean, “Am I a bad person if I don’t require COVID testing and/or quarantine before my wedding?” No, of course not. Bad v. good is so… reductive to me in this moment. I just want you and your partner to be informed because I believe when people are informed they are empowered.
The Halloween wedding
Last month, my husband and I had a socially distanced porch hang with the couple who inspired me to become a wedding planner. This couple was going to a 15-person wedding in a few weeks.
I knew about this couple, whom I’ll call Mark and Sarah, because we had talked about their wedding back when they first got engaged. At that time — November 2019 — their plan was to invite 60 or so loved ones to their wedding in November 2020.
Now, here we were, mid-pandemic and Mark and Sarah were getting married in front of 15 friends in their backyard on Halloween. They were also requiring every person to take a COVID test before attending.
Sarah had felt really bad about this. Was it invasive? Rude? Overreactive? I wrote her and Mark after talking to our mutual friends because I wanted Sarah to know that she shouldn’t feel bad. She had given her guests the ultimate gift: a space where, for the first time in months, they could feel decently sure that COVID wasn’t a threat.
Sarah and Mark had earned this gift for themselves because they set a seemingly difficult rule that had the huge bonus of also greatly benefiting those they loved best.
Setting this boundary also had another huge upside. Rather than feel awkward and sad in a room of 40 people without masks and without tests, Sarah and Mark would get to experience the same privilege of a couple who got married before COVID: They would actually get to enjoy their own wedding day.
Remember joy
The opportunity to regularly witness pure joy is why I’m a wedding planner. I have dozens of first-hand accounts of why that joy is so special and deserves to be recognized.
I won’t go so far to say that people who don’t require testing and/or quarantining won’t experience joy on their wedding day. That would be so horrible; I want you to enjoy your wedding! That’s why I do what I do for a living.
That’s also why I will say this: During the COVID pandemic, you and your partner are much more likely to get to that place of pure joy on your wedding day if you first set some ground rules and right now, in this moment, those ground rules most likely include some kind of testing and/or quarantine requirement for your wedding guests and vendors. That’s shitty and it’s hard and it’s not nearly as simple as I’m making it sound. It is also the truth.
Here’s one more truth: You and your partner are brave enough to face facts, honor them, and then go build something beautiful and safe.
Remember that couple my wedding planner friend mentioned.
Remember Mark and Sarah.
Remember joy.